Saturday 21st November
I post on Facebook
I come awake with a start. I don't know where I am? It's dark, this isn't my bed. Covid?
"Morning darlin, it is half past six and you have slept the night through"
My angels! Those lovely smiling faces! One last prick of the pin.
BGL 11.1 mmol/L
Sats 96%
I am going home
Some last-minute delays, a few frustrating conversations, eventually, sometime in the afternoon, a jolly pair of Ambo’s turn up and I am leaving the ward. Fond farewells “Good bye, thank you, thank you good bye” “don’t come back” “I was faking it!”
Outside it’s a grey day, cold, apathetic rain drizzles from a milk white sky, to me its looks beautiful. I am a bit manic in the bus, I gabble away to the guys who for some reason treat me like royalty.
And then I am home and there is my beautiful wife at the door. We embrace, we crush each other, squash in so tight that we cannot get any closer, and we squeeeeeeze each other to reassure ourselves that this is us and we are here and that we have each other again.
Its lovely to be home but I cannot settle, I cannot sit , something feels wrong, after the bright constant lights of the hospital, the house feels too small, gloomy, claustrophobic. I stride from room to room, I can’t relax, I pick up my Dean Zen, my loud guitar and I strike up a rhythm, I video myself playing it and send it my musical friends who have sustained me in hospital as a way of saying I am home I am fine, thank you for the music!
But I am not fine. I am wired. It's like I am back on the steroids. Is this just emotion? I try to play it out, often playing my guitar helps me deal with strong emotions, but not this time, I can’t focus, my coordination is off, I can’t seem to play any of the tunes I know.
Go to A minor I think to myself. A minor, that deeply sad, authentic chord, a chord with integrity, a chord to grieve with, a chord that suggests irony, a chord with so many solemn possibilities
I strike the chord and from somewhere comes a slow quirky rhythm, D minor next and a change all the way down to E minor and from somewhere comes a song, I sing so loudly it’s just this side of shouting and I sing of my travels along the Covid road, I will never recall the lyrics except for the last line which I sing to the Brummage “I wasn’t alone because you were there with me” and it really doesn’t matter what the other words were, I sang out the poison, I sang myself back into the now and when I finished the strange pent up feelings that had been so disorientating were gone.
On Facebook I post
"Well" he said "I'm back"
If I appear a bit manic in this picture, just look at how happy the Brumster is.
Thank You
I do not think I will ever have the words to be able to thank everyone who helped me to get through this thing. I have been a nurse most of my life and I have witnessed some amazing nurses at work, people who have been my mentors, my guides, my colleagues and friends and we have laughed together and cried together and cleaned up the mess together and carried on to the next one together and I have always been grateful to be part of the wonderful family of nursing.
But I have now witnessed the other side and I can not say enough about the care and devotion of the staff of Southemad Hospital in particular the nurses of ward 26b-the Plague Pit
Here are all the names I can remember from my journey, I hope I have not missed too many-thank you all!
Paramedics Matthew , Hazel,
ED -Joydeep "we will endure you for a little longer..." Lisa, Sophie, Fiona, James, Kate, Anne, Chrissie
31b- Dora Petrova (I am gld your parents are getting better) Kat, Suzanne (Tracey says Hi)
26b- Ali, Nigel, Joanne, Lily, Aaron-respect,
Momo(I am so glad you are feeling better)
Eileen (golden nonsense singing nutter)
Ned- a consultant that talks to porters-pure gold,
Kinga-for sustaining the inner man,
Amy -smiley reminds me so much of my youngest daughter,
Hoada- keep doing what you are doing, you are a natural
Dan-keep the red flag flying comrade,
Wasir, straight talking, no mixed messages
Lucy, laura-you are hilarious, I am glad you are feeling better,
Momo again (just because)
Ed you are one in a million mate,
Shaunak, Helen eco warrior!,
Christine, it won't go on for ever some day soon you will find what you are looking for,
Costa, because someone has to clear up the mess
Momo again!!
My marvellous family and friends!!
It really is love that makes the world go round and love that sustains us through adversity, love that gives us the strength to carry on, to keep smiling
I love you all and I thank you all for the love that you have shown to me
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